Quitting

Quitting. I thought about it today.

A big soft-skills final exam is coming up, and I feel totally unprepared. I mean yes, I know how to do a brief history/physical exam already, but not the "full" one that allows physicians to explore the full spectrum of disease a patient might have. My exam consisted of the ABC's - is your Airway open? Good. Can you Breath? Even better. Do you have a Circulation? Dandy. That's the big idea for medics out in the field.

But now, I actually need to be able to feel for splenomegaly, and listen for heart murmurs. What? My preceptorship is in the highest socio-economic strata of this part of the state. Before I even started my preceptor visits, he warned me on the phone that I might not be able to do as much as I could.

At the time, I brushed it off, thinking my previous experience would be fine. So up until today, I half-assed my visits. I played along, and thus became complacent. I didn't get any chance to practice skills that will enable me to detect diseases and tease out differential diagnoses.

As test time got closer and closer, I started to panic. My classmates started to catch up to me, and I realized I had gotten rusty. Some of them had preceptors that let them loose, and as a result they learned and learned about the most fundamental skills a physician should be perfect at. Soon, jealousy took hold, and I wanted to defect to perhaps another preceptor site. It was rare to do so, but it is possible. For example, one of my classmates was assigned to a gastroenterologist. When she needed to learn how to take vital signs, all of her patients just needed to get scoped.

I walked into the pediatrics clinic today, I mentally took a deep breath. It was the last visit of the year. Maybe forever. So let's make the most of it, I thought. If I piss off some anxious parent fussing over their trust fund kid...screw it. I need to learn, so that I can help scores of future patients.

I just kept jumping in all day, and surprisingly, no one stopped me. It reminded me of when I first realized what I could do as a supervisor EMT, leading a team at a major rollover accident. I just did it.

At the end of the day, my preceptor had a simple visit, but had grown up with the patient's grandfather. After almost six decades of friendship, my preceptor's friend passed away the same year as his wife, only a couple years ago. Everyone in the room teared up except for me when this was brought up. My preceptor had such a enduring bond with the families of his patients. It just took me a semester to realize it. My biggest lesson yet.

I'm not going to quit. I can still get a lot of learning experiences here, and my preceptor isn't some concierge physician catering to the rich and famous. He has taken care of many PARENTS of the patients here, and is a pillar of the local community here. I can learn so much from him, and I am going to stay.